It's not always about me..

I have a favorite saying I like to tease Colton with..."Not EVERYTHING is about you, Colton."
It's always said as a joke and he knows it, so that's good. :)
Today I was reminded of that phrase..only it was meant seriously..and it was my name..not Colton's.
You see, I had this girl contact me and want to be my roommate at school. She was SUPER helpful and REALLY nice and we clicked instantly! I've been looking forward to rooming with her since March.
But then I got bad news.
We weren't assigned as roommates.
And then I got worse news.
She had signed up to room with one of her friends without telling me.
That hurt.
It seemed perfect. We were supposed to have a room in the dorm I wanted to be in. I was still going to have some privacy because our room had a divider down the middle. I didn't have to go buy a mini fridge because she already had one. We liked a lot of the same things..
AND she was the only girl I was going to know when I got there..

Now, while I'm a little hurt and disappointed about the whole situation, I'm not mad at her. We're still good friends and I am looking really forward to hanging out with her when I get to school, but for the last few weeks, I've been wondering why on earth God brought this wonderful opportunity to room with her into my life...only to have it taken away...
Many people have encouraged me that it could be "a blessing in disguise" and maybe that's true..
BUT.
Maybe it's not for my sake that I got moved..
Maybe it's for someone else's..
Maybe He's moved me to the dorm I did NOT want to be in with a girl I don't know at all..for her sake..or for someone else on my floor..
Maybe it's not all about me..so I should stop playing the "why me" card with God..
Maybe I should trust in His perfect provision..:)

After all, my life is not about me..It's about Him.
"..It is no longer I that live, but Christ lives in me.." Galatians 2:20

It feels like it's all falling apart..when in reality, it's all coming together..

Last night as I was laying in bed I realized that I probably only have 30 or so nights left in that bed before I have to start sleeping in my dorm...in Chicago.

I hyperventilated.

Yes.

You bet I did.

A million thoughts hit me all at once.

"I'm not ready to leave home and go to college!"----"Oh grow up, Jessica. People do it everyday."

"How am I supposed to pay for all the expenses on my own?"---"Jessica, you know God will take care of that part of things."

"How on earth am I supposed to adjust to living in Chicago?!"---"Jessica, you know that's where God has placed you. He will help you."

"I'm going to miss out on my sister's teenage years..that's not fair to her. She needs me."---"Jessica, it's part of life. You won't miss that much. You'll still be close to her."

"What if someone in my family gets sick and I can't be here?!"---"Jessica, that's part of growing up and becoming an adult. You can't stay at home forever."

"What about my mom and dad? I'm ripping their hearts out!"---"Jessica, when you were born they knew they'd have to let go eventually."

"I think I'm going to be sick."---"Jessica, just calm down. God's in control."

Now, I don't think my thoughts were quite that...eloquent..or organized, but you get what happened.

I felt like I was falling apart.

So, what did I do? Started praying.

I asked God to prepare me for all of the changes I'm going to have to face. Changes...I don't want to see come. I asked Him for His protection. (Chicago! HELLO?!) I asked Him for His wisdom and strength to make it through those first few weeks there. And most of all I prayed for His peace to come and comfort me and let me know that it's going to be okay. :)

And guess what? Prayer works.

With His peace, I can confidently say that even though it feels like it's all falling apart right now, it's just God's plans for my life all coming together. :)

I'm back..and ready to jump in with both feet this time. :)

Yes, YES. I know. I'm terrible at this blogging thing...I'm terrible at journaling as well. It seems that the only thing I'm good at is writing letters..so maybe I should just pretend this is exactly like writing one of those..

So..It's been close to a year and a half since my last post...I'm not even going to begin to list all of the things that have happened in my life..I'm just going to start writing about what's going on in my life now. :)

I'm learning about relationships. All kinds of them. My relationship with God, my family, my friends. And yes, even my relationship with a boy..:) So, let's go in order..shall we?

My relationship with God:

This relationship is probably the hardest to maintain. It's incredible how no one knows me better than He does, yet I have so many questions about Him. He's been teaching me a lot about joy lately and how in Him and ONLY Him do I have the freedom to experience joy in EVERY circumstance. Hard lesson for this girl right here. I'm a worrier. Yup. A. Worrier. And as a worrier, I dwell on things; I try to come up with my own solutions; I do it myself. That's no good. It affects my trust in God...which drives me crazy. So, the Lord's been teaching me to trust Him with everything and embrace the joy and peace He offers me at all times. :)

My relationship with my family:

It's about to change drastically. I'm leaving home in a month and heading to college. I'll be able to come back once a month to visit...but it's still going to be SO hard to leave. As the days left at home narrow down, I'm beginning to realize how much I take for granted all of the time. My dad's hard work. My mom's comfort. My sister's sense of humor. My grandma's long talks. Oh, I'm going to miss all of it...and it scares me. But I've determined to make the best of the month I have left. :)

My relationships with my friends:

They're about to change too. I think it's safe to say that I'm one of the oldest ones in my circle of close friends...which means that...when I leave...I'll feel like I'm abandoning them. And I don't want them to feel like that. So I am very thankful for all of the time I've been able to spend with them this summer. I hope I get more with them before I leave. And I hope that I'm able to stay close to them while I'm away during the school year. :)

My relationship with the boy:

Haha, oh that's a fun one. :) I'm blessed to have an amazing guy who wants nothing more than to please God with his entire life. It inspires me. :) We're learning a lot of things together. Like, perseverance takes a LOT of work. Or like, the other person won't always be perfect all of the time and that when their not, it's not the end of the world. Our biggest lesson we're both trying to master is keeping all of our priorities in order. God first and everything else after Him. Not always easy. But He's faithfully guiding us toward that goal. :) And I'm excited for what He has in store for us. :)

My Beloved Savior

My Beloved Savior,
Where would I be without Your divine love?
The love You've shown me is like none that I've ever known.
You look past my failure and my flaws.
You see the love of Christ that is in me, that flows through me, that is the very life within my soul.
You see my beauty when I don't feel it.
You created me and love me just the way I am.
Out of love, you test me, You want me to grow, You teach me something new everyday.
Father, I am Yours.
ALL Yours.
I love You.
I need You.
I'd be lost without You.

God is Amazing. :)

The love of God is the most amazing thing this earth has ever had the privilege to be given. End of story. His love is astounding. His grace is overwhelming. His mercy is unending.

Reflections of Christmas

It's 5:00 am on December 26th, 2009. I do not know why I am still awake. I would love to be asleep, but I am not...maybe I'm just crazy. ;) I peeked out the window 10 minutes ago and was very suprised by the sight I was greeted with. It's STILL snowing and blowing out there! It's absolutely gorgeous!! I don't know how this Christmas could've been more perfect for my family. On Christmas Eve we got together with my mom's side of the family. SUCH a good time! Opening presents, laughing, "the chicken eye", the chocolate fountain (Yum!), and of course being chased around by my sister and her new video camera. :) Spending time with them is such a blessing. Christmas was AMAZING. It wasn't anything special, nothing big and fancy, just one guest who showed up 3 hours late for the meal. lol But it was awesome. Just mom and dad and my sister and grandma and me. :) We had our huge meal downstairs in gma's livingroom so she wouldn't have to come upstairs to our part of the house. It was nice, small, fun, quality time I will cherish and remember forever...just not in the form of pictures since my gma hates cameras, but I don't think I'll need pictures to remember this day. And of course, I had to continue my tradition of watching my new seasons of the Gilmore Girls that I get every year for Christmas. Around 6 pm...(every year) I head up to my bedroom, put in the show, and find some project to work on in my room. I become a recluse for two days...just being in my room, watching my favorite show, texting my favorite people. :) I love it. This year my projects have included: organizing my cd's, stenciling and painting some things on my walls, and then lastly....freehanding the chorus to "Let the Waters Rise" on my wall. Phew. It has proven to be quite the job, but I think it will be well worth it. :) And with the snow, and the painting and the everythingness of tonight, I can't help but thank God for how much He's blessed me. The snow and painting reminds me of my best friend..who I didn't know a year ago. It's crazy how God does things and works things out. I couldn't help but think today that three years ago...we didn't think we were going to have any more Christmases with my father...and he's still here. :) I love God. He is awesome. :) And now I'm rambling and becoming sleepy..so I think I will end here...:)

My Grandma's Hands

I, of course, waited until the last minute to make my sister's gifts. Two pillows. One made from the shirt my aunt bought for her in Italy and the other, my dad's little league shirt from wayyyyy back in the day. So, I went downstairs to use my grandmother's sewing machine to get them finished...and get them finished fast since it was already 11 pm. The sewing machine lasted all of 5 minutes. I hate bobbins. I hate them with a passion. So, Grandma said "Let's just sew them by hand. It seems simple enough" And that's exactly what we did. My grandma turned 71 yesterday. She amazes me. I had to thread the needle for her because of her arthritic fingers, but each stitch she made was perfect and beautiful in my eyes. There was love in every one of them. There was something very bittersweet in her voice as she sewed her son's little league shirt. She was telling stories about how great of a ball player he was. How cute all of his team was, staring off into the sky watching the birds fly around, my dad being the only focused one. :) I couldn't help but smile because I knew that as she was telling me those things that the mental pictures were running through her head of my dad as a small child. It was so special to me to spend this little bit of time with my grandma, watching her 71 year old, arthritic fingers sew each stitch. Her body, running down as time goes by, but she's so full of life. Of spunk and wit and humor. I love her to pieces, I don't know what I'd do without her.